习作园地--Epic sitcom

 By Sun Meicen， Princeton University

       潜心营造圣诞节的气氛却忘了今天是愚人节，想要嗅闻手中的玫瑰花却偏有人在电梯间里大放人生之气……或许生活中除了感天动地的忠贞不渝外更多的只是缘分未到的淡然一笑。值此七夕之际，作者特撰文供单身的各位消遣。

    Mitch had been dating his partner for a couple of weeks before they formally “defined the relationship.” While the occasion could have been any day -- Valentine’s Day, Christmas or New Year’s Eve -- they officially changed their status on April Fools’ Day. Which was fine, Mitch thought, as long as what followed was all legitimate and romantic. 

    That spring, he planned out every upcoming holiday -- Chinese Valentine’s Day and Mid-Autumn Festival, but also Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year and even next year’s Valentine’s Day.

    A few weeks later, he awoke early after having stayed wide awake into the wee hours of the night. The stagnant air in the dormitory hallway smelt of hard-boiled eggs -- typical of a rushed weekday breakfast. The smell usually repulsed him but on that day he just felt... funny.

    He knew he was supposed to cry because the night before she had just “redefined the relationship” once more -- his festival calendar was all for nothing, even the first date unmet. 

    In fact, he’d planned far beyond this year, many, many years beyond. He had, in fact seen it all in his own internal movie. When he was to decide it was time, they were to break up at a perfectly heartbreaking moment, preferably in spring, against the beautiful backdrop of cherry blossoms. He would firmly emit a “no” despite her pleading cry. 

    In the next scene, he would go to the lakeside alone and stare at the now-empty bench where they used to cuddle, his heart filled with regret. Montage. Background music would evoke The Remains of the Day or Piano, sorrowful but controlled. 

    Later still, they would unexpectedly run into each other once more. Flashback with reprise of theme. Although flooded with memory and passion, they would have to part anew because he had just committed himself to another woman whom he did not love as much. Credit roll.

    In reality, things unfolded completely in reverse to his script. The filming crew had deserted his romantic epic script and captured instead a one-episode sitcom. In the end, he reckoned, it had turned out to be one of those take-it-or-leave-it jokes that either moved you to laughter or left you cold.

    Mitch decided he’d take it -- at least he wouldn’t miss a good laugh. Ruefully, he realized how appropriate that April Fools’ opening scene had been.